CALGARY – Roommates Amir Reza, Ashley Barker, and Kyle Garland have officially drawn up terms of surrender to the fruit fly forces occupying their 3 bedroom apartment.
“We, the human residents of 153 Parkman Avenue, Unit 302, do hereby issue this proclamation of unconditional surrender to the fruitfly armies and thusly bring an end to this conflict,” read Garland aloud, before he and his two roommates signed the official terms of surrender. These terms included ceasing of all aggressions against their new fruitfly overlords, including squishing or clapping between their hands.
The terms of surrender also place a ban on any use of fruit fly traps, either store bought or the homemade kind with apple cider vinegar.
“This is a dark day for all of us residents of Unit 302, or as it is now known, the People’s Democratic Republic of Fruit Fly-istan,” explained a sombre Ashley as a cloud of menacing fruit flies performed aerial maneuvers overhead. “We would attempt to leave this apartment behind and find a new homeland, but we have 5 months left on the lease.”
Sources report that the fruit fly conflict began in mid-July, after a particularly “raging” house party saw the apartment littered with empty beer bottles and half-finished glasses of sangria. After the three roommates avoided cleaning up the mess for a full weekend, the apartment had unmistakably been infiltrated by an invading force of fruit flies.
As the weeks went on, the fruit fly forces grew in numbers, aided by the mildewy bathroom and Amir’s knack for leaving fruit on the kitchen counter. The human/ fruit fly conflict saw many battles rage throughout the apartment, with countless insect forces falling before the might of the tenants’ rolled up magazines. One final desperate offensive saw Ashley wage a single-handed campaign against the invading forces using a vacuum cleaner. But her weaponry proved no match for the fruit flies’ superior numbers, which saw the humans outmatched by a score of 3,000 to 1.
Talks of organizing a resistance movement have reportedly been whispered throughout the halls of Unit 302, particularly in the “demilitarized zone” between Kyle’s room and the bathroom. Sadly, a lack of organization, coupled with Amir “being really swamped at work” resulted in a movement that was easily broken. Once attempts to liberate the kitchen sink failed, the human occupants were forced to admit that they were hopelessly overwhelmed by the fruit flies.
Back in the kitchen, the treaty of surrender continued: “The prodigious air, land, and compost forces of the fruit fly armies and Drosophila melanogaster forces, many times reinforced by their air fleets, are poised to strike the final blows on Unit 302.” The terms also include all leftovers being left out in open air for fruit fly consumption, and increased purchasing of sugary drinks.
At press time, Canadian forces have been deployed on ground of the apartment, but strictly as UN peacekeepers.
