You’re in love. That’s amazing! You know that she’s the one and you’ve been thinking about how you want to ask the big question to tie-the-knot. But there’s only one problem: diamonds. Maybe they’re too expensive, maybe they’re too cliche, or maybe the high likelihood that it was dug out of the earth by slave labour is abhorrent to you. But don’t worry, here are seven alternative engagement ring stones that will have her saying “I do! Wait… is this just bagel? Why are you holding a bagel?”
1. Emeralds
Known for their soft beauty, emeralds are at once unique and fascinating, and colour matches well if your future fiance happens to have red hair. You can find emeralds at your local grocery store, often marked down by upto 50%, (or if you’re lucky, for free if they fell on the floor). Make sure you get a discreet and sealed box to hold it in, otherwise your belle might smell the onion that rims the edge of the stone. Don’t be surprised when she says yes, but then quickly asks, “how am I supposed to show this onion bagel off to my girlfriends?” Because they’ll all be sooooo jealous! #WeddingWin
2. Opals
This enigmatic stone has transfixed civilizations from the dawn of antiquity and finally answers the age old question of what is better: Montreal style engagement rings or New York Style engagement rings. The smooth aspects shine brilliantly in the soft light and go very well with cream cheese. She’ll be so excited, she’ll leap into your arms, or slap you across the face with happiness screaming, “what is wrong with you? Is this some kind of sick joke? A bagel? Seriously?”
3. Sapphires
Often thought to be a dark azure hue, a true sapphire will appear a rich, deep brown owing to the whole-grain rye it is derived from. Though not loved by all, those who do love sapphires love them a lot! Make sure you test her tastes on this one first by bringing her to a local bakery where the stones are forged and cut and ask to try them on, otherwise you risk having to have the awkward sapphire return conversation later, and no place I know of offers a return policy.
4. Pearls
A classic piece of jewelry, and it’s not just for necklaces anymore! Contrary to popular belief, pearls are not oyster born calcified sand, but are instead the main ingredient in the exotic and highly valuable tahini of the Arabias. Just don’t go ring shopping while hungry!. You will have your fiance literally crying as you slip it on her ring finger while she says, “You don’t care. You don’t care at all! This is all a twisted game to you! I thought you loved me!”
5. Ruby
Can’t decide? The ruby has everything you could possibly want in a gemstone. It’s got poppy seeds like an opel, it’s got sesame seeds like a pearl and a hint of onion like an emerald. It practically the everything bagel of precious stones. She’ll be so surprised she’ll be aghast when saying, “Oh my God, you ARE serious! You actually want me to wear this in public for several months?” And after some deep contemplation and perhaps a few reiterations that you, in fact, paid two month’s salary for this ring, she’ll come to her senses and say, “Look, I knew you had your problems but this is too much for me. I’m sorry, it’s over. I’m spending the night at Jennifer’s and I’ll pick up my things tomorrow with my mother. Goodbye, Steve. I don’t want to see or hear from you again.”
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