VANCOUVER – Following weeks of political uncertainty in British Columbia, with no party winning a majority of seats in its most recent provincial election, Liberal leader Christy Clark and NDP leader John Horgan have finally agreed to joint custody of the province.
“Christy will get the province from Monday to Thursday, and John gets Fridays and the weekend,” said presiding judge Fiona Delaunay after a brutal six-hour hearing. “For Christmas you’ll swap every other year.”
Horgan was originally meant to take full custody of the province, with the backing of Andrew Weaver’s BC Greens, but Clark disputed the decision after deciding that she “wasn’t comfortable with only having visiting rights.”
“I don’t trust John to see after BC’s needs,” said Clark. “The province, and especially the government, are used to a certain standard of living and John simply can’t pull in those kinds of donations on his own. Do you think someone who only won 41 seats can really be a provider?”
Horgan has vehemently disagreed with the ruling, and was furious when Clark claimed that the province would “become confused” by him always having Weaver over, but has accepted it and plans to spend the next few weeks buttering BC up.
“We’re going to have some fun weekends, just me and little ole’ British Columbia,” said Horgan, sipping coffee from a prematurely purchased “World’s Greatest Premier” mug. “We’ll go on nature walks, get some ice cream, and I’ll throw in some subtle jabs about how Christy pays so little in support because she doesn’t love the province.”
Barring any changes in the agreement, BC will continue to reside with both Clark and Horgan until it turns 150 and can legally decide on its own who it wants to stay with.
