HAMILTON, ON – 31 year old Kevin Wilson has made an astonishing discovery. Early Saturday morning, while attempting to tie his shoes Wilson realized he was unable to bend over without making a strained “wumopph” sound.
“I used to be a pretty fit guy,” explained Wilson. “but what with work responsibilities and my looming thirty-second birthday, I find myself making unexpected noises every time I move. Once when reaching for a book on a top shelf, I made the dog howl.”
But frightening the dog is the least of Kevin’s fears. “These noises afflicted my dad and grandfather, sure, but they were way older than me when they started ‘huummph-ing’ and ‘eeeeeiissh-ing’…Wait am I old now? Oh no, no no! Whhhyyyee?!”
Biologist at Trent University Dr. Robin Daniels, who has studied the phenomenon, which she describes as “The Sound.”
“‘The Sound’ can affect both men and women who aren’t feeling as spry as they used to, or as what I like to think, life just beating the shit out of you the older you get,” said Dr. Daniels.
“There are many noises that ‘The Sound’ can take the form of, whether it’s the ‘sssshhhiieir’ as one shifts in a chair, a ‘harrruunnnf’ while squeezing through a tight space, or a ‘whatthefuckishappeningtomybody?!’ while being on the receiving end of a firm handshake.”
Though there is no cure for “The Sound,” Wilson is hopeful he can live a fulfilling life, knowing that “The Sound” could come out of him at any moment.
“It’s scary,” he said. “One minute I’m having a romantic dinner with my girlfriend when all of a sudden I drop my fork on the ground. Do I pick it up and risk a ‘hsssnnfph’, or ask her for a new fork? It’s a lose-lose situation.”
For now, Wilson says he finds comfort in small pleasures, like watching tennis matches saying, “Now those are embarrassing sounds! Sounds like they’re having sex, amiriiiite!?” Wilson then attempted a high five, lost his balance and fell over and made the sound of two clay pots screeching together.