OREGON – In order to preserve one of Oregon’s last remaining old growth forests, the EPA has transplanted the group of trees into a suburban neighbourhood, and given it a new identity and backstory.
“We’ve given the forest the name of ‘Ted W.’ and set it up with a job at a local accounting firm,” said conservation officer Reid Ennings. “According to his backstory, he’s from Newfoundland, loves the Jets, and tends to keep to himself.”
“Needless to say, he’s also never been an endangered biome.”
So far, the wood’s assimilation to the neighbourhood has had mixed reactions from the locals.
“I was thrilled when that house finally sold” Says Ken Wolvert, who lives down the street from the new arrival. “I was kind of hoping that another family would move in, but Ted seems like a really nice guy. And the air around his house is always so fresh! I’m thinking I should invite him to the block party this Saturday.”
But not everyone on the street is thrilled with their new neighbour.
“I think he’s a hoarder, why else would he keep that many pet deer?” said Lindy Corrace, peering through her binoculars. “I don’t know who he think he is, but around here, you don’t go leaving your pine needles all over the front yard.”
At press time, conservation authorities keeping tabs on the forest were told to stand down after determining determining an unexpected visitor was just a curious neighbour wearing plaid and suspenders.
