Anchorage, AK – American President Donald Trump has made a deal with Russian President Vladimir Putin that would give the state of Alaska, purchased by the United States in 1867, back to Russia in exchange for ten large beans.
“It’s a tremendous deal,” Trump explained to a group of caddies on the fourteenth hole of Mar-a-Lago’s golf course. “Absolutely tremendous. Have you heard of magic beanstalks? Believe me, they’re fantastic. Heaps of gold and giant meat at the top of every beanstalk. People are already saying I’ve made a fantastic deal because Alaska is mostly snow and gold is more valuable than snow.”
Trump’s obsession with gold is well documented, from casinos, to golden goose breeding programs, to Trump University, which purported to teach maidens how to spin it from straw in exchange for their first child.
Russian officials have been keen to express admiration for Trump’s deal-making prowess.
“President Trump drives a very hard bargain,” said the Russian Ambassador to the US. “We initially offered him five beans, but he managed to argue us up to an unheard-of ten beans. Ten beans! He is a very impressive negotiator. We are all so… impressed…”
Despite Trump’s claims, experts who’ve scrutinized the specifics of the treaty have found no mention that the beans the US would receive are in any way magical.
When reached for comment on the deal, former President Barack Obama sighed and said, “I would never trade a state for beans.”
