MANHATTAN – President-elect Donald Trump has reported being visited by, and subsequently ordering the deportation of, the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet To Come.
The visitations reportedly took place in the early morning hours, inside the president-elect’s lavish penthouse. The ghost purportedly warned Trump that he would “wear the chains he forged in life if he did not atone for his cold heart, his miserly nature, and mostly emboldening white supremacists.” Trump’s handlers were alerted to the spectral incursion, not by the Secret Service, but by the alleged billionaire’s twitter account, which he tweeted from first at 1:17am:
According to sources on the Trump transition team, the former reality show host was then taken backwards through time to visit important moments from his past. However, upon re-witnessing scenes of his unloving father and friendless childhood, the president-elect remained decidedly unmoved. At this point Trump tweeted:
Upon returning to his bedroom and encountering the ghosts of Christmas Present and Yet To Come, Trump alerted his Secret Service detail and ordered the trio of holiday apparitions apprehended. Citing the fact that the ghosts wore strange robes and “sounded foreign”, president-elect Trump had the three spectres immediately remanded to Guantanamo Bay without trial. Trump then publicly tweeted:
Reached for comment, the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come shared urgent warnings from Trump’s future. “I’m not so much worried about Christmas, as I am about 2019 when Vladimir Putin sends Russian forces into Western Europe and the Arctic–” the massive hooded skeleton warned, before being ushered onto a waiting CIA prisoner transport. With the ghosts removed, Trump then celebrated Christmas by skipping an intelligence briefing in order to speak at yet another rally in his honor.
At press time, a Christmas angel was en route to Earth to show Trump how much better everyone would be if he had never been born.
