HALIFAX – Witnesses to the brutal street beatdown of a monk say that, if they weren’t sure before they certainly were now, he almost definitely doesn’t know any sort of martial art.
“Oh crap, he got completely thrashed right out of the gate,” said Kyle Smithee, watching from his 5th floor window as three attackers circled around the prone, robe-wearing figure. “Actually, wait a second: what if he’s just toying with them?”
“Damn. I guess not.”
Reports say that the monk raised his arms in a “kind of cool way” that at first glance seemed like it would “summon some sort of energy shield” but turned out to be a surrender that, if anything, even further enraged the thugs.
“I was just sweeping up the storefront when I saw it going down,” said hairstylist Joyce White. “I immediately snapped off the broomhead and tossed him the long stick. I assumed he’d had at least a decade of training with quarterstaffs. I bet he could’ve fought them off if they hadn’t, y’know, grabbed the rod and… well… you talked to the EMTs.”
Some local business owners were about to offer aid before seeing the “awesome” black robe that denotes the decidedly non-deadly Benedictine sect.
“We watched the whole thing,” said children’s karate instructor and 3rd degree black belt, Rory Paluski. “I actually told the 7 to 10 class to circle up by the window because they were about to see ‘a master at work’. Instead we watched a 68 year-old man get the ever-loving crap kicked out of him.”
“There’s egg on my face, that’s for sure.”
At press time, the monk was either meditating to regain his strength or was in a coma.
