OTTAWA – A recent survey has revealed that 9 out of every 10 Canadians will spend the entirety of November 5 experiencing a moderate to severe panic attack, manifesting itself in curling into a ball and mumbling ‘this isn’t happening’ over and over again.
“In 2012 I got together with some friends and we had a lot of fun live tweeting Obama’s re-election,” said Shanique Balewa of Winnipeg. “But this year I think I’m just going to sit in a dark room with trembling hands as I constantly refresh CNN on my phone.”
“That or just take a bunch of ambien and hope my nightmares are not as bad as the real world nightmare we may be about to continue living in,” she added.
From coast to coast, millions of Canadians advised of similar “rocking/moaning” plans. There were variations – some planned to constantly call friends and repeatedly ask, “Trump can’t possibly win again right?”, while others intended to never say the name, relying on the Macbeth/Voldemort principal. Still the central activity of holding yourself close to prevent thinking about the horrible, shockingly likely, possibility remained a constant.
“Huhhh, ohhhhh, huhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh man, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, please no. Tell me this isn’t happening,” said Simon Donahue of Fredericton as he entered into his fifth straight hour of shaking.
The nation’s therapists have reported efforts to calm Canadian’s election anxiety, though many note that upon discussing the source of patients’ fears, the mental health professionals joined the 90% and commenced panicking.
Reached for comment, Prime Minister Trudeau admitted to Canadians that, like most of them, he also plans to spend November 5th “freaking the eff out”, but reminded them that if Trump does win, it will probably at least help the Liberals in their polls against the Conservatives.
The survey also revealed that the remaining 10% of Canadians were offering to e-mail in some YouTube videos that proved Harris never actually worked at McDonalds.
