TORONTO – In a public announcement today, TTC CEO Andy Byford has reassured a worried public that the heating system on its subway will cease to be operational by December, precisely as scheduled.
“We are aware that temperature levels on our cars are comfortable, for the moment, and we chalk that up to an effective ventilation system which is correctly adjusting for outside temperatures,” Byford said. “But we want to comfort our customers that normal TTC dysfunction will resume in due course and cars will be upsettingly cold just in time for sub-zero weather.”
The statement comes amid growing unease that the TTC will enter the winter months with no humiliatingly debilitating issues, as has become clockwork of late. Following a summer where broken air conditioning meant passengers exited trains covered in a slick film of body grime, the TTC wants to ensure that people are aware that their incompetence is not reserved only for hot weather.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy hating the way my skin feels,” said Heather Marston, a regular commuter, “it’s just that we’ve all come to expect a certain level of bureaucratic negligence from the TTC and the absence of that has left a lot of us feeling… weird.”
TTC engineering teams have been working diligently for over 24 minutes a day, ripping out wiring, throwing water into open electrical panels, and hitting metal things with hammers to make sure that the heating systems are completely ineffective by the time Jack Frost comes knocking. In an internal company memo to staff, Byford pledged a goal of 47% hypothermic passengers by January 1st.
In the event that the heating is still operational by the beginning of cold weather, the TTC promises that it will turn on its now fully-functional air conditioning system to offset the pleasant warm feeling.
“We pride ourselves on being the #1 most frustrating method of transport in this city,” Byford proclaimed, “and with competition like intimidating cabbies, sexually aggressive Uber drivers, and death-trap bicycle lanes, I think that’s something.
“We apologize for your temporary comfort.”
In an effort to temporarily assuage the public’s unexpected confidence in the TTC, Byford has announced plans to remove several subway poles from inside trains, to be replaced with additional metal ceiling grates into which riders can gingerly wedge their fingertips for leverage to avoid falling over.
