WEYBURN, SK – As local infant Wayne Bender gained an increased sense of awareness of the world Thursday, he was startled to discover his name was, in fact, Wayne.
What began as a thrilling morning for Bender, with blurry shapes taking form and becoming recognizable as his crib, and the faces of his parents, quickly became unsettling as he heard his parents saying his name repeatedly.
“Oh good morning Wayne,” cooed Wayne’s mother, Amelia. “How’s my little cutie Wayne this morning?”
“Our widdle Wayne’s wide awake,” added father Doug.
Baby Wayne made several early assumptions as to who “Wayne” might be. He presumed it to be one of his stuffed toys, or the family dog. Wayne recalls the reality setting in with a sense of outrage: “They named me what?!”
“So after I realize my name’s Wayne, I start looking for some kind of explanation,” recounted the wee one. “Are my parents Gretzky fans? Did they love Wayne’s World?”
Upon investigation however, Bender learned that his parents simply loved the name. Doug confirmed that he thought “Wayne” to be a beautiful sound, like the creaking chains of a swing set, or a high note in an epic guitar solo.
“And it really makes you imagine this little guy as some kind of bureaucrat some day. Or a grumpy teacher!” added Amelia. “In any case, we like to picture our baby as a middle-aged man, for sure.”
Baby Wayne is coming to terms with his new reality: “Maybe it’ll be a cool name again? Like, 90s stuff is back in now with flannel shirts, that kinda thing. Maybe 1950s auto workers’ names will be the new thing when I’m in university.”
He added that in a pinch, he might be able to go by his middle name; unaware that his parents had given him three: “Burt Gus Stewart”.
