MILTON—Guests at the wedding of Tom Maston and Sarah Croft have begun to experience genuine confusion about whether or not the cactus and limonium centerpieces are intentionally designed to resemble human phalluses.
“Like, in most cases, I would think absolutely not,” said guest Mark Lyman, looking anxious and confused as his eyes darted from table to table. “But then I was chatting with the florist, and she started talking about how weddings are all about the celebration of the human life force and fertility, and—I mean, who can really know?”
“There’s no way the bride and groom didn’t notice it,” he added as he knelt down to look at the centerpieces at eye level.
Plans of action for guests about whether and how to comment on the fact that the centerpieces really looked like dick became increasingly controversial. Discussions became especially heated as dinner progressed and darkness fell, and the incredibly, almost impossibly dick-like centerpieces became illuminated by pairs of globular votive candles stationed at each one’s base.
“We HAVE to say something to Sarah,” the bride’s longtime friend Jane said anxiously. “She probably put a LOT of thought into how these would look and if we don’t compliment the dick centerpieces she’ll feel like we’re sex-shaming her.”
However this opinion was strongly countered by those who believed that the centerpieces were in fact not supposed to look like dicks, or indeed could be intended to look like something totally different, such as hot dogs, or that building in London that looks like a dick.
“I mean, they both love artisanal sausages. Maybe this is supposed to be like a cute thing where all the centerpieces look like sausages? Should we ask? Fuck,” said coworker of the groom Steve Hamlin.
At press time, there was absolutely no way that midnight oyster bar display was not supposed to look like a bunch of vaginas.
