VANCOUVER – At the conclusion of William and Kate’s official state visit to the city, Mayor Gregor Robertson had the honour of presenting them with a symbolic present representing the sacred traditions of Vancouver: a large bottle of all natural, organic fentanyl pills.
“On behalf of all Vancouverites I wish to thank the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge for gracing us with their presence,” said Robertson. “And, as a memento of your visit I would like to give you a small sample of that which we love most, a synthetic opiate with 80 times the potency of morphine.”
“May this gift help you forever remember your visit to our fine city. Or forget – it really depends on how it hits you.”
An addiction to Fentanyl, manufactured in China and illegally smuggled into Vancouver, has quickly become the defining characteristic of the west coast city, replacing smugness.
The royal couple seemed to be delighted with the offer.
“Oh thank you so much. We’ve been meaning to try extreme narcotics ever since we realized our lives are basically a series of purposeless ceremonial gatherings,” said Kate Middleton.
At press time Kate was trying to figure out how to sneak the pills into the UK by hiding them in the lining of her hat.
