TORONTO – Despite its obvious practical uses, Dr. Vincent D. Ranged is experiencing some pushback from the grant board on his application for a giant laser.
“Yes of course it’s essential for my research,” said the obviously sweating Dr. Ranged. “Most of my work is in the field of world domination after all.”
Members of the board voiced concerns that a giant laser would be a large expenditure for the federal government, particularly since the government has no plans of being overthrown at this time. Additionally, some point out that the laser itself does little to advance the progress of science.
“If he were using the laser to cut a hole in space, creating a gateway to some sort of nightmare realm, well, that would be something new,” said Dr. Wilson Zhu. “At least when he wanted us to shell out for the massive vat he was also planning to invent some new superacid to fill it with. It feels like he isn’t even trying anymore.”
Dr. Ranged has previously received funding for various other experimental equipment, including a DNA splicer, weather machine, and fully-armed mountain base.
“Yes, we believe that he’s pursuing global supremacy and, of course, that would be bad,” said board member Dr. Patricia Langdon. “That being said, it’s true that penicillin was discovered by accident. Perhaps letting him grind the world under his heel will have similarly unintended benefits.”
At press time, Dr. Ranged was telling board members that they would “rue the day” regardless of their decision.
