TORONTO – Residents in a western Toronto neighbourhood had mixed reaction this week as the opening of a barre studio put the neighbourhood just one cupcake shop short of gentrification.
“I really like this neighbourhood.” said long time resident Caitlin Kaye “It’s mainly blue collar families. All the bars exclusively serve Export 50 in bottles and never take down their Christmas lights. But I went into one last week and the owners were trying to figure out a brunch menu. They told me more customers have been asking for Instagrammable eggs.”
“If someone comes along and starts offering red velvet or tiramisu flavoured cupcakes for $5.00 a pop, god help us all,” she added.
“A lot more people have been complimenting the exposed brick and edison bulbs lately” reported Touro Lounge Sports Bar and Grill Owner Stan Taschke “but I just ask if they’re here to buy oxycontin and that scares them off. Hopefully I’ll be able to afford rent for a little bit longer.”
The looming gentrification has caused some residents to take actions try to scare off more affluent newcomers including leaving syringes in the park, tearing down ads for loft spaces, and opening Coffee Times. But the attempts do not appear to be working.
“I love everything about this neighbourhood,” exclaimed new resident Nicola Szbloda as she wandered through a pawn shop. “It’s so authentic”
However some locals do not mind the changes. “I exploit a lot of immigrants” said local absentee landlord Bernard Sheasy “It will be a nice change to be able to rip off white people”.
At press time 50% of the neighbourhood was sitting in gourmet donut shop Baker Bitch discussing their plans to move to Detroit.
