RIO DE JANEIRO – A swamp-being of untold horror that recently emerged from the depths of Rio’s polluted waterways has become an immediate medal favourite in all aquatic events at the Summer Olympic Games.
Brazil was quick to officially welcome the beast, saying how proud they were to have an athlete of ‘horrific skill’ represent the host nation.
“It emerged from our waterways, so it follows that it must be native to Brazil,” said Carlos Arthur Guzman, president of the Brazilian NOC. “Furthermore, the monster has devoured several Brazilian athletes and civilians, so we assume its internal makeup is now primarily Brazilian also.”
After arriving on land, the monster liquefied several countries’ flagpoles at Olympic headquarters with its corrosive touch, though speculators are unsure if this was a patriotic display or the mindless act of a mistake of nature.
Sportswriters are already lauding the creature’s ten-foot frame, with an amorphous structure that can expand significantly, as a ‘classic swimmer’s body.’ In spite of this, U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps has welcomed the challenge.
“It’s rare to get to compete against an uh, thing, like that,” said Phelps. “It’s for sure going to bring out the best in me, and I think if I stick to my game plan, I’ll come out ahead.”
When reached for comment, the monster told reporters that, ‘GGRRAAWWWAAARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!’, and then slimed its way up the Cristo Redentor statue, seeming to dare humankind and fellow Olympic competitors to challenge it.
Many companies have reached out to the monster with lucrative endorsement deals.
“We feel this living atrocity that seethes with hatred for humankind, and we at Nike, have a lot in common,” said Nike spokesperson Rich Markhoff. “Plus, we haven’t been this impressed with a chemically-enhanced super beast since Lance Armstrong.”
Some athletes have complained that the swamp monster should not be allowed to participate, after its body was found to be composed of several banned substances including Niandrolene, Methylamphetimine, and weapons-grade Plutonium.