WINNIPEG — Further to an upward trend of activity by Child Protective Services (CPS), the CPS launched an investigation into the conduct of a mother of two who has been allowing her children to live within Winnipeg city limits.
Winnipeg, which derives from the Cree term for “muddy waters”, was initially settled as a practical joke. The conditions, which include swampy marshland and inhospitable temperatures, were thought to be too severe to support human life. As often happens, the joke got out-of-hand and Winnipeg is now Manitoba’s capital and largest city.
In addition to being a frigid mudhole, Winnipeg’s underdeveloped downtown lacks numerous basic necessities, including a grocery store. However, instead of developing the downtown, the city has expanded into suburbia and, due to limited public transportation, its inhabitants are forced to drive everywhere. Paradoxically, Canada’s coldest city is also the Slurpee capital of the world. All of these facts have conspired to create Winnipeg’s shockingly high diabetes rates.
When asked for comment, a CPS worker stated, “Raising a child in Winnipeg is akin to lighting a lion on fire and throwing it in your baby’s crib. The dangers are numerous, difficult to describe, wanton, gratuitous and beyond absurd.”
“Also, the poorly performing CFL team, the Blue Bombers, have a terrible effect on a child’s self-esteem.”
Local Winnipeggers have expressed unanimous support for the CPS’s actions, stating that no one should have to live in Winnipeg unless they have made an informed, adult commitment to reside there ironically.
