ATTAWAPISKAT – Following the declaration of a state of emergency over recent suicide attempts in the remote First Nation settlement, the Canadian government has wasted no time airlifting in an urgent shipment of committee reports, strategy memorandums, and “Mental Wellness Continuum Frameworks”.
“In response to this terrible human tragedy, we’ve placed our top report writers on the case,” said Ontario Health Minister Eric Hoskins. “We’ve improved on our response to the last Attawapiskat crisis by creating an action plan for how we will communicate with various levels of government about the next Attawapiskat crisis.”
Hoskins added, “As for the current Attawapiskat crisis, we printed out the action plan and parachuted copies of it down into the settlement, where hopefully they can address the near-constant state of emergency.” Thumbing through one of the reports, printed on extra nice paper stock, Hoskins suggested that there might even be a number for a suicide prevention hotline included reports. “However the reports are very long, and it’s difficult to tell exactly what’s in there.”
Health Canada staff have also assured Canadians that consultations have taken place with the Assembly Of First Nations, all of which will be dutifully added to the air-dropped reports. Health Canada officer Linda Banting explained, “The Attawapiskat community leaders have made it clear that addressing the lack of resources and jobs, as well as developing a culturally-relevant approach to First Nations mental health, are all key to reversing the situation.” Banting continued, “Rest assured, all of these suggestions have been added into the reports, which the First Nations peoples can read for themselves as soon as the airdrop floats gently to the ground.”
Responding to the crisis, the government has promised to act on education and mental health in Attawapiskat within the next 5-7 years, following completion of a Treasury Board Submission, program evaluation, and Memo to Cabinet. In the meantime, Health Canada has noted that the airdropped reports can be used as home heating insulation, superior to the previous “no home heating insulation whatsoever.”
Reached for comment, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reiterated his government’s commitment to only sending the best and most crucial documents to help Attawapiskat. “At a time like this, only the finest reports can help these people. That’s why I’m not going to fly up there myself to survey the situation – that way my seat on the plane can be used to transport even more vital committee printouts.”
At press time, citizens on the Attawapiskat reserve were burning copies of the Indigenous and Northern Affairs Canada report because the heat had once again stopped working.
