BY: EZRA LEVANT
Dear fellow Canadian patriots,
I am truly happy to finally be employed again. Getting appointed to editor-in-chief of a trusted news source sure beats the heck out of living in your parent’s basement and calling it a “Rebel Media World Headquarters”. And I have big ambitions: I’m going to take The Beaverton to new heights in accurate reporting and hard-hitting journalism.
Why am I qualified to do this job? Because I say whatever I like in a cocksure manner without listening to what the liberal media or courts of law call “facts” or “libellous statements”.
From now on, The Beaverton will report tough, fierce, bold, brawny, strong, well-endowed, glistening, relentless, fearless, gutsy, and gritty stories with every adjective at our disposal. We’ll get to the bottom of every Liberal and NDP corruption scandal in our own fair, balanced, and non-partisan way.
We will also feature editorials from my friends who are either unemployed or selling an important message and/or book. Just like my friend, Republican activist, and renowned climate change skeptic Marc Morano, who will tell you the real truth about the oil industry. And, if he’s still not dead yet, we’ll get regular updates from former Conservative Finance Minister Joe Oliver.
The Beaverton Sun is the only source that will break stories that you’d never otherwise get. Did you hear about how Justin Trudeau’s foreign-born, Israel-hating junior minister is actually a terrorist who is trying to convert everyone to Islam? Or about how eco-hypocrite David Suzuki emits carbon every time he breathes? What a contradiction!
I look forward to telling you, dear Canadians, about the real problems that are going on, and I’m sure you’ll believe it. And remember, kill terrorists, not pipelines!