OTTAWA – Actress and former Playboy Playmate Pamela Anderson has called upon her legion of 1990s era perverts to help put an end to the annual Canadian seal hunt.
“I am asking for all members of the public who have never progressed past pop cultural sex icons of the late 20th century to join me in calling upon the Canadian government to stop this brutal slaughter,” Anderson wrote in a “call to arms” published in this month’s issue of Maxim magazine. “Together we can end this!”
Internet traffic on search engines like Netscape, Ask Jeeves, and AOL skyrocketed following Anderson’s statement as millions of her dedicated fans took to chat rooms and posted on their Angelfire pages to discuss the best way to follow her wishes. The hit counter on beaniebabiesslashfic.com rolled over past the 1000th visitor after its forums were set alight with rabid debates over whether violence or negotiation would be more effective in combatting the hunt and also whether Pam was hotter on Home Improvement or Baywatch.
“I mean, this is Mrs. Barbed Wire we’re talking about here!” gushed Todd Stallone, President of the Pam Pals fan club. “She’s like the hottest thing out there right now! When she asks you to take up a cause, you slap on your Kangol, pump up your shoes, and do whatever that goddess asks!”
Participants in the yearly hunt have been blocked from reaching the plentiful seal fields by what has been reported as “thousands of chain wallets linked together” across the roads. Many hunters have stated that they fear leaving their homes lest they once again get bombarded with VHS copies of Snapdragon and Naked Souls hurled from highway overpasses.
“She’s a stone-cold babe. And I don’t think I’d be speaking out of turn in saying that she’d probably want to reward all of us for helping her out,” Stallone said winking. “And by that, of course, I mean hot sex.”
Fortunately for those who believe that the seal hunt should continue, the initial wave of Anderson fanatics flowing to Canada to help has tapered off following a request from Yasmine Bleeth for volunteers to build her a deck.
