MIAMI – Speaking at a campaign rally in Florida this week, former GOP presidential candidate Carly Fiorina endorsed Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) for the party’s nomination, in what experts are calling “an egregious act of political sabotage.”
“We’re talking about someone whose competence, instincts, and decision-making skills are such that, had she been born at literally any other juncture in human history, she would have long since gotten herself and everyone around her killed, in the most horrific possible way,” explained Dr. Sehar Manji, dean of political science at UCLA. “By endorsing Cruz, Fiorina has effectively taken all of the guesswork out of which candidate would make for the absolute worst possible choice.”
“Which is crazy,” Manji went on, “When you consider the field also includes a big orange dick who talks about his tiny orange dick during live debates.”
Manji added that Cruz’s only hope for overcoming the devastation of Fiorina’s endorsement at this point, would be to secure the backing of someone with more credibility within the Republican establishment, like a newly aborted fetus, gun control advocates, or Hillary Clinton.
“Failing that,” Siwiec suggested, “He could always scribble ‘vote Cruz’ onto a paper bag filled to the brim with fresh dog turd and light it on fire. All the available research indicates that one hundred percent of Americans feel more comfortable listening to a flaming sack of shit than Carly Fiorina, no matter how redundant that may sound.”