GUELPH, ON – Research done by girlfriend scientists at the University of Guelph has uncovered that nearly all food is far too hot and/or spicy.
The study involved the tasting of hundreds of normally available foods, of which only a miniscule fraction were deemed edible and not dangerous for human ingestion.
“We are glad to have finally reached some firm conclusions in this important area,” said Dr. Lucy de Souza as she chugged milk in between gasps after testing some mild chicken wings.
A large variety of foods were tested; although habanero peppers, Italian sausage, and every form of Indian cuisine were summarily deemed dangerous without testing as scientists didn’t want to get any on their hands.
Other foods, despite not being spicy, were still ruled to be unsafe due to having “a weird texture.”
The study seems to have sparked a debate within the scientific community that won’t be going away soon.
“Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! None of these things are spicy whatsoever,” said sweating, teary-eyed boyfriend scientist Dr. Adam Gillespie in between sniffles. “It’s just a little rough for me because…because I have a canker sore. Yeah, a canker sore.”
