OTTAWA – The Tribute MP representing the British Columbia District has been declared winner of the third annual Canadian Parliamentary Hunger Games after two days of intense combat and cunning strategy by 20 MPs.
Using only her wits and the deadly Ceremonial Mace, Elizabeth May managed to stay alive during the elected official onslaught which was televised live to millions of Canadians on CPAC.
The annual games, colloquially known as ‘Harper Games’ was created by the Prime Minister to quell the years of legislative warfare recent minority governments have caused. Two Tribute MPs are selected from each province and are legislatively required to fight to the death.
“I wish to congratulate the Miss May on her well-earned victory” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “I would like to remind all Parliamentarians that these games are necessary to keep peace in our national legislature. 19 of our very best MP Tributes sacrificed their lives so that we may live in a better lower chamber.”
The MP Tributes that lost their lives for the good of Parliament are as follows:
Day 1 of the Harper Games
Scott Brison: Drowned in Centennial Flame Fountain after trying to grab some memento pennies
Peter MacKay: Ran into a mirror after mistaking reflection for an opponent
Marc Garneau: Bludgeoned while staring at the stars
Wayne Easter: Ate poisonous potato
Gail Shea: Strangled by several vengeful lobsters in the Parliament’s cafeteria
Ralph Goodale: Crushed in Parliamentary library while trying to balance the books
Rob Anders: Died in his sleep
Gerry Ritz: Ate listeria-contaminated lunch meat
Rob Moore: Swept down the Ottawa River thinking there was a tide
Day 2 of the Harper Games
Scott Simms, Judy Foote: Both fell out of Peace Tower after Paul Dewar told them they could see Newfoundland from the top
Paul Dewar: Died of guilt
Rona Ambrose: Trampled by a stampede of Parliamentary Pages
James Moore: Starved to death after giving food away to neighbour’s children
Pat Martin: Heckled himself to death
Mylène Freeman: Unknown MP, presumed dead.
Joyce Bateman: Peanut allergy
David McGuinty: Mauled to death by groundhogs
Dominic Leblanc: Died of loneliness
