EDMONTON – Following the surprise resignation of Premier Redford, the Alberta PC party has proudly announced that her replacement would be a 159L drum of pure petrol.
“When you get right down to it, Alberta doesn’t want some namby-pamby Parliament outsider born in, ugh, British Columbia,” explained Jim McCormick of the PC party of Alberta. “We want a local leader, someone who was here for millions of years before being ripped from the bosom of the Earth to serve spurious capitalist interests. Someone who really understands what makes Alberta great.”
“We feel we’ve found that in this container.”
Before its improbable appointment, the fossil fuels had been an almost complete political unknown after being pulled from the sands by Shell early last week. Despite the inanimate liquid’s relative inexperience, PC MLAs say they are still happy with the appointment.
“We wanted a Premier with the inside scoop on pipeline issues and wasn’t afraid to dedicate themselves to defending our energy interests,” said Energy Minister Diana McQueen. “The best leader for the job was someone intimately, personally affected by those decisions.”
“Our new leader will dedicate themselves to defending our energy interests, and what better way to do this then a leader who is a literal bucket of energy themselves,” said PC MLA Ron Casey.
Redford had seen her approval rating plummet in the last few months, reaching its lowest value of 18% just this week. Early numbers say that the barrel is already valued at $100.37, with that expected to rise as summer approaches.
