Sudbury, ON – Local bartender and former minor league hockey enforcer Jake Schmidt has been outraged by the alleged judge fixing in Sochi figure skating, in which the Russians have supposedly agreed to ensure the American ice dancing pair of White and Davis finish ahead of Canadian sweethearts Virtue and Moir. So outraged he has found himself able to talk of little else but the allegations, along with a detailed analysis of the pageantry and sport of ice dancing.
“Its such a pathetic move, I wish I could go over to Sochi and crack some heads together,” he said. “Tessa’s twizzles and charlotte turns are so much crisper and and more elegant than Davis’. And Scott is able to complete rotational dance lifts with such strength, yet subtle beauty, that it causes me to experience emotions I don’t fully understand!”
“Its fucking bullshit,” added the man known to MMA sparring partners as ‘Schmiddy Boy.’
Friends have expressed annoyance with Schmidt’s growing obsession with the sport.
“Every time I ask him whether he thinks the hockey team is going to bring home the gold, he just says something about how the Russians are going to try to steal it from us, just like they’re trying to steal the ice dancing gold, and then he goes into a ten minute rant about how hard it is to properly evaluate true intimacy in dance,” said friend Max Scrivens.
At press time, Schmidt acknowledged watching a lot of interviews with the Dufour-Lapointe sisters, but strongly denied crying when they talked about how their family bond helped them to the Olympic podium.
