VANCOUVER – After last Saturday’s melee-filled game against Calgary, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella has been given a fifteen day suspension for “behaving in a manner that resembles John Tortorella.”
“We can’t have a NHL coach behaving like Coach Tortorella,” said Colin Campbell, senior executive vice-president of hockey operations. “He was behaving like he was the former head coach of the New York Rangers when he tried to storm the Calgary Flames dressing room to scream and probably throw things at the opposing team.
Psychiatrists have determined that Tortorella suffers from a serious case of “Tortorettes”, a condition that causes sudden outbursts of water bottle-related violence, passive-aggressiveness and a permanent look of disgust.
