BY: KEVIN O’LEARY
Listen, I’ve heard a lot of people talking about how terrible it is that 85 people own more money than the poorest three and a half billion. Well let me tell you something: these people are nothing burgers, they can cry me a river, and they’re dead to me.
Personally, I think that staggering inequality is fantastic! Here are some other things that I also think are fantastic.
1. Money. The great thing about money is, it’s a tangible way to measure whether you are winning or losing at life. Does this way of looking at things reduce human life to a zero sum game of emotionless calculations? No, because that is what human life already is.
2. Also money. Talk to me about money. Where is the part where you tell me how I make money? I’m interested in mo-ney. What’s that, Son, you want to talk to me about how you’re having trouble fitting in at school? Okay, but I’ll have to bill you for my time, and know you can’t afford me with the allowance I give you. I designed it that way. Maybe if you made more money, you would be more popular.
3. War. I’ve always said that war is like a business, and your soldiers are like dollars. Sometimes you lose some, but as long as you end up with more than your enemy, you’ve won, and you can forget about how your father spoiled your dreams of becoming a fashion photographer for a few minutes.
4. The smell of Arlene Dickinson’s shoes. She doesn’t know that I know how they smell, and this is another form of success. You think you’re all that with your hair stripe, Arlene? Your hair stripe is crap.
5. Chaos. We entrepreneurs love the thrill of not knowing whether we’ll be employed or able to buy our life sustaining prescription drugs next month. Having life feel like a game of russian roulette is great for keeping wages down, and without unpredictable software bubbles, I would never have my fortune and thousands of others would never have their debts. Whee!
6. Amanda Lang. Sometimes people wonder how I got to be an influential public figure when my only discernible skill is yelling at people who are too uneducated to effectively defend themselves. Fortunately, I have Amanda Lang and her comfortably center-right opinions around to call communist, thereby making it seem that my asshole beliefs are close enough to the center to belong in civilized discourse. Also, I objectify her a lot.
Is Amanda as fantastic as three and a half thousand million people living in poverty? Obviously not. After all, what could be better than having a basically unlimited supply of people to accuse of wanting a handout?
Well there you have it, people. I’ve given you a cold hard dose of reality, and now I’m going to sign off and give myself a cold hard dose of looking at fashion photography industry magazines and yelling at my dead father that I hate him.
