OTTAWA – With the holiday season drawing near, Prime Minister Harper issued a statement today urging all Canadians to enjoy the time of year that brings us closer to our most beloved industries.
“I think that Canadians understand what this season is really about,” the Prime Minister said. “We’ve all seen enough Holiday movies to know that what really matters is unfeelingly capitalizing on the emotions of others in order to make millions upon millions of dollars.”
“Actually, now that I mention it, that is what every single other season of the year is also about.”
The statement, released along with a Christmas card featuring the members of the Prime Minister’s estranged family standing with blank faces in front of a Sears, has already roused the nation into a frenzy of holiday cheer.
“Giving is fine,” said local man Derek Williams, backhand slapping an elderly woman away from a pile of One-Direction themed Furbies. “But what really matters is the opportunity to reward multinationals for doing business in my country.”
Since the statement was released, retail outlets and superstores have made record amounts of money: money which will allow them to make more money, which in turn will be put toward the noble cause of making yet more money.
The Prime Minister has expressed pleasure at the fact that even the innocuous act of giving a gift to a loved one has been subjected to the economics of reckless consumerism.
“Look at all of these Legos,” said the Prime Minister, gesturing at the pile of new boxes of Lego covering Laureen’s otherwise empty half of the bed. “I was given these Legos. Now, of all the people in my family, I have the most Legos. Economically speaking, I am the best.”
This is not the first time the Prime Minister has used holidays to spread cheer to everyday Canadians. Last Valentine’s day, Mr. Harper urged Canadians to spice up their romantic lives by switching their personal lubricant from boring old petroleum jelly to titillating new bitumen sand jelly.
