KINGSTON – Correctional Service Canada has instituted an adoption program to find new prisons for the 494 inmates currently held at Kingston Penitentiary when the facility closes after 178 years.
“The adopt-an-inmate program was the best solution we could think of to try to find all these stray prisoners new owners,” said Correctional Service Canada commissioner Don Head. “Most corrections officials think the inmates here in Kingston are impossible to train, chew on everything, and are crawling with disease. And that is very true.”
“Also they may constantly try to kill you,” Head added.
“This one looks friendly,” said Millhaven warden Kevin Snedden, peeking into a cell and pointing at the convict inside. “What type is he?”
“He’s a murderer – rapist mix,” replied Kingston’s last warden Jay Pyke. “Not the easiest to train, but smart and doesn’t make too much noise.”
Libby Dutcher, an assistant warden at the maximum security Atlantic Institution in New Brunswick was also among the officials looking to walk away with an inmate. “We’re just looking for someone small that the guards can wrestle with and learn to take care of,” she said after selecting a serial carjacker to take back with her. “He’s so cute and shifty. They’re going to be thrilled.”
At press time, the program had managed to place nearly all the inmates, except for infamous serial killers Paul Bernardo and Russell Williams, who were left to nervously paw their cages and crane their necks to see if anyone was coming.
“If no one claims them, we may just have to put them down,” said Head with a barely restrained smile.
