MONTREAL – If roller coasters like Vertigo, Maniac, and Goliath didn’t make you break out into a cold sweat, La Ronde has a new, scarier ride for you: the Jacques Cartier Bridge.
“We’d been going weeks without a customer having a nervous breakdown or running away at the last minute,” said Jeanne Coulomb, the park’s director. “We needed a new ride but there wasn’t enough space on Île Sainte-Hélène to build it.”
“The answer to our problems was right overhead, often falling on us” recalls the park’s lead designer, Clive Goforth. “People who drive here often mention how terrifying they found the bridge, so we decided to buy it.
“With its rusty structure, the Jacques Cartier Bridge looks more ominous than anything I could ever design,” Goforth added.
“As an 83 year-old bridge that has been maintained by the governments of Montreal and Québec, this new ride will be extremely unpredictable,” declared Richie Yank, author of Why Vomiting on your Siblings is Fun: The Neuroscience of Amusement Parks. “On a typical ride, you know when you’re about to plummet downwards, experience sudden acceleration, or hit a bumpy patch. On the Jacques Cartier Bridge, these things could happen at any moment.”
When asked if they would ride Jacques Cartier Bridge, visitors to La Ronde expressed divergent opinions. “I’ve suffered through the centripetal motion of Ednör-l’Attaque for years, this is taking it too far” said Catherine Lalonde as her four children dragged her into the line for another ride.
“I commute using the Lafontaine Tunnel every day,” said an unafraid Archie Greenwald. “Compared to the terror of a government-built tunnel, this is nothing.”
