VICTORIA – After successfully stopping an attempted Canada Day terrorist attack that could have potentially killed many, marking their second major bust in 2013, the RCMP announced that the current size of their Stetson hats were now too small to fit their sense of self-worth.
“Despite 122 years of history with the force, this hat no longer cuts it given what we’ve accomplished,” announced RCMP Commissioner Bob Paulson after casually cracking his knuckles. “We’re not trying to brag here, but after foiling two terrorist bomb plots our officers are entitled to a hat that tells the world how important, valuable and great we really are.”
The new RCMP standard hat will reportedly be over 10 feet in diameter, with a special pouch to hold press clippings praising the Mounties for keeping the country safe and a button that will automatically doff the cap whenever citizens choose to applaud the officer for being so awesome.
In other RCMP uniform news, female officers will now be required to wear regulation push-up bras and stilettos.
