KING’S LANDING – Ravens flooded the capital city of Westeros with word that the wife of Prince William of Windsor, Katherine of Middleton, has been delivered of a baby boy named George, whom they claim is rightfully third-in-line to the throne: an assertion which King Joffrey from court in King’s Landing has condemned as treason, vowing swift and brutal action against the happy, beloved and traitorous couple.
“I, King Joffrey of the House Baratheon and Lannister, the First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynarand and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, hereby charge both the house of Windsor and of Middleton with treason, an offense to be punished by death. These traitors wish to supplant their line from those who rightly claim it,” announced the gold-headed King sitting atop the Iron Throne as he held court yesterday with his nubile bride-to-be, Margaery Tyrell, who expressed deep regret for Katherine’s future loss and for the loss of these two great families.
“I have placed bounties on each and every man, woman and child who bear their name to purge the treachery of these families from the Earth. And I – by my own mercy – have demanded they each be captured alive and taken into my delicate and forgiving care, to be executed under the law of the king, with their heads placed upon pikes overhanging the walls of the Red Keep in King’s Landing to serve as examples to all those who dare question what is mine.”
Sources say any in the house of Windsor or Middleton who wish to remain alive, may do so if and only if they helpfully assist in the capture of the highest traitors, the baby’s mother and father, who dared to insert their ill-begotten son into the family line of the great King Joffrey.
However, The Hand of the King, Lord Tywin Lannister, swore by the old gods and the new, that any charged family members will be spared if they take the black and serve amongst the brothers of The Wall or flee in exile to the free cities in the east. Katherine and William, all acknowledged, would not be so lucky.
“First I will have the King’s Guard strip them of all titles, possessions, clothes, jewelry and toenails,” stated Joffrey.
“I will then force the still exquisite Katherine to witness the removal of William’s scalp from the back of his head, to well past his eyelids. He will then be unable to look away as my guards take turns defiling the young mother until she screams for mercy. I will then present her with her child and tell her she is free to go. And as she hobbles toward me with her precious child in my arms, pitifully sniveling like a beaten cur, I will make her thank me for my mercy, and by own my hand, force her infant child back into where it came from.”
At press time, Kate and William aren’t really into Game of Thrones. But its cool that you like it.
