HALIFAX – The unfortunate coincidence of laundry day with casual friday has left local man Derek Hines out of work and unwittingly dressed as a buccaneer.
“I didn’t really have any clean clothes left,” Hines said, “Other than a horizontally striped T-shirt and a pair of capri pants.”
Hines was also wearing a bandana, to cover up the bad haircut he had gotten the day before.
“Halloween was eight months ago,” said co-worker Vikki Wilson, as Hines put a butter knife between his teeth to rummage for his sandwich in the break room fridge, “So why does he have a goatee?”
“This is not a pirate goatee,” said Hines, who has had a gold tooth since he was involved in a minor car accident in 2009, “This is an ‘I don’t like my weak chin’ goatee.”
Certain aspects of Hines’ character which would normally be considered positive were also considered proof that Hines had come to work dressed as a pirate. Hines’ regular visits to the office hand sanitizing station left him smelling of grog for the entire afternoon. Hines’ willingness to grab a string mop and get to work after a coworker spilled coffee on the cafeteria patio left him ‘swabbing the deck’. Most damningly of all, Hines’ consideration for a coworker while on his way to the breakroom caused him to utter the phrase, “Polly, would you like a cracker?”
“If you think that casual friday is unprofessional, then fine,” said Hines’ supervisor, Margaret Feech, “but if you’re going to come in dressed like a pirate to make a mockery of the whole thing, then you can just go home.”
Hines has said that people are unwilling to believe that his outfit is the result of a series of unlikely coincidences.
“I’m completely unwilling to believe that his outfit is the result of a series of unlikely coincidences,” said Feech, “Hines is fired.”
At press time, the out-of-work Hines had resorted to robbing boats by the waterfront in order to make ends meet.
