PITTSBURGH, PA – Following his recent concussion Penguins captain and NHL leading scorer Sidney Crosby underwent a new elective surgery this morning to separate his head from his body in an effort to allow him to complete the 2017 playoffs without sustaining any further injuries.
Penguins brass believe the submandibular craniectomy would give the phenom a competitive edge in a league that has been plagued by head injuries in recent years.
“Sid has been very eager to get back on the ice and we figured he couldn’t risk another 10-month absence like in 2011,” said coach Mike Sullivan, “So rather than risk any more injuries to his vital head organs, Sid and upper management came to the conclusion that it’d be best if he had his brain and other major face parts removed.”
Amputations of the cranial region are not uncommon in the NHL, with variations being performed on many players including the removal of Todd Bertuzzi’s reasoning centre in 2003, and Don Cherry’s entire brain in the early ‘70s. However Crosby’s procedure is the first to feature the complete removal of the general head area.
“I always knew the kid loved hockey and this is just typical of Sid’s dedication,” said teammate Chris Kunitz. “I’m honoured for the opportunity to play with such a fan of the game, even if his shots aren’t very accurate anymore.”
Penguins officials brushed aside reports that Crosby may suffer long-term effects from the surgery, such as post-cognitive syndrome, neck-aches, or the inability to see.
“Right now our job is just to get the new and improved Sidney Crosby back out onto the ice where he belongs,” said GM Jim Rutherford.
Crosby was unable to comment on the matter.
