By Daniel Day-Lewis
I have just been told that my performance as Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States of America, has been and will continue to be receiving a number of awards from the various academies, guilds and Columbian prostitution organizations that make up the elite of the film industry.
Now I haven’t personally read anything about this – I’m currently living in a hut in Mongolia to help prepare for my upcoming role as Ghengis Khan. But apparently my performance is a “shoe-in” for an Oscar.
Gee, what can I say? I am completely blown away by this. I mean me, regular old D.D.L., nominated for an Oscar?! Next thing you’re going to tell me is I already won one for that time I walked around set with a limp for a few days.
And if I was ever going to be nominated, I certainly didn’t think it would be for this role. Sure, when the director, Steve, offered me the part I was happy. 6 weeks of work at Union wages on a set with full catering provided? No working actor would pass that up. It was almost as sweet as that time I got paid 4 thousand big ones just to say one line in a herpes commercial.
But an Oscar just for wearing a beard and top hat, saying things like “better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” Like, what does that even mean right? I know Lincoln did a lot of good things like free the Indians and end the War of 1812, but it wasn’t like he was mentally challenged or tangentially connected with the holocaust like most Oscar winning roles.
Plus I didn’t even think my performance was that good. I was going for a kind of ‘Vin Diesel’ thing, and I’m not sure I pulled it off. Hell, the movie would have been so good if Vin was in it. He could have walked around saying things like “I am the President, cloaked in immense power!” and people would have really believed him because he looks so strong. Especially if he did that scene shirtless. Its lucky for me he passed on the part.
I guess its just a lesson for other struggling actors out there: You never know what role will be the one that makes your career. Don’t be afraid to take the job in an indie pic about an ugly, obscure dude no one here in Mongolia has even heard of! Because, with a little bit of luck and a lot of hope, people may give your little movie a shot. Thats the magic of Hollywood!
