OTTAWA – Anonymous staff in the Prime Minister’s Office report they have an overwhelming sense of dread that something horrible is about to happen – though what, they do not know – ever since Prime Minister Harper walked into his office this morning with a smile on his face.
“No one has ever seen him like this. I don’t understand it. Something bad is coming. I can just feel it,” said one staffer.
“Usually he ignores everyone. But today, he looked right into my eyes, as if seeing through my soul, and said, ‘good morning.’ I ended up spending my lunch hour alone in the washroom vomiting uncontrollably,” said another.
The staffer added, “When I heard him coming in, I thought he was choking on something. I rushed to help but it turns out he was just laughing. But like, not maniacally.”
Asked for speculation as to what might be causing this disturbing behavior, the PMO workers admitted that past experiences could only tell them what it wasn’t.
“It’s not a cabinet shuffle, because every time there’s a cabinet shuffle he locks the door and plays Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries for two hours. And he’s not preparing a budget, because again, he locks the door after taking in a dozen pens, two reams of spreadsheet paper and a tub of vaseline. But today, he has ominously left the door open, so everyone can just see him sitting there at his desk, with that unsettling toothy omen across his face.”
Once Harper left his office, the horrified staff spent the rest of the day calling friends and family to tell them that they loved them, perhaps for the last time.
