WINNEPEG, MB – Initially intent on wreaking mild inconvenience on his enemies, the bored ghost of Mark Sammon, 34, realized earlier this week that his average life left him without enough haunting material.
“To tell you the truth, my funeral provided all the closure I need,” Sammon said from his family’s couch. “People who had been kinda shitty to me felt really bad about my accident. I wish I was more into this whole haunting thing, but I just don’t see the point anymore in hiding Steve’s keys and flushing Haley’s toilet at 4 a.m.”
Sammon also complained of insufficient recourse for vendetta-free spirits ready to pass on, citing a lack of transparency in the ghost community. “I just pass my time on my family’s couch, not knowing what to do,” he said. “But it looks like I’m going to be here a while. I think I might go to Africa—you know, try to make a difference with my afterlife.”
