TORONTO – Amid growing uncertainties regarding the future of transit expansion in the GTA, Toronto Mayor David Miller held an impromptu press conference this morning to discuss a drastically scaled-back transit upgrade that requires no budget.
“The plan I whipped up last night is going to get things moving in the right direction,” Miller told a small crowd of reporters gathered inside a City Hall meeting room. “Fuck this budget shit, we’ll take care of this on our own,” he added.
“This city has been bombarded with too much bureaucratic wheezing in the last few months. Talking about budgets and lack thereof is not a way to get things done. It’s time for real, committed action,” Miller said.
Entitled Transit City Plan B: Less Talk, More Action, the new plan calls for transit improvements that can be implemented immediately using available resources.
“We’re going to place racing stripes on all the existing streetcars in the city,” Miller told reporters. “I got a friend who can hook us up.”
“Drivers will be given new uniforms with large shoulder pads, like in the movies about the future,” Miller explained. “Also, a sexy, throaty, female voice will make all stop announcements, like you’d expect from the future.”
Though Miller was able to explain how he would find the necessary materials for his proposals, he was less willing to address how his plans were supposed to provide more than stylistic changes or, as he put it, “futuristic changes.”
When asked, for example, what he proposes to do for plans to expand transit lines that may now never see light of day due to budget restraints, such as the Scarborough RT, Miller quickly pulled out a noise making device which imitates the sound made by a car engine and demonstrated its use to the crowd.
“This thing can be attached to our existing fleet of buses and streetcars and we’ll crank it to its highest setting so people will get the impression our cars are going super fast,” Miller said.
“I can get these cheap from Toyota. With our old budget we can still swing a couple hundred of these bad boys.”
Continued Miller, “We’ll sell a few ads on the back of transfers to cover the cost of installation; it’s no biggie.”
Miller was then asked to comment on whether or not his new plan would lead to job creation, which had been one of his selling points for Transit City.
“Here’s where I thought of something, but I’d still like some advice on this matter,” Miller answered. “I figure it would be great if the tracks could light on fire as the streetcars pass by. I’m pretty sure it’s feasible if we pour kerosene on the tracks and hope for a few sparks; I just don’t know what other people might think of this idea.”
Miller is promising that Transit City Plan B: Less Talk, More Action, would also accommodate for the 2015 Pan Am Games, although he conceded that not all of his ideas may be ready in time. “The whole fire thing may need to be put through a few safety tests first,” he lamented.
“Though, we’ll be able to provide darling little TTC uniforms for all rodents living within the subway tracks,” he quickly added, claiming that it would be a big hit with tourists.
No mayoral candidates were aware of Miller’s new plans at the time this article was written. Only Rob Ford was available for comment.
“I like it,” Ford said.
Citing his interest in seeing this project through to finish, Miller plans to personally implement many of his ideas before the end of his term next week.
“I don’t want anyone thinking once I’m gone that I’m the kind of guy who starts things and then just let’s them fall to shit,” he said.
