VATICAN CITY – Gathering in the thousands to hear him speak, parishioners were disappointed this Good Friday when Pope Francis came out on to the papal balcony just to open up a pack of Bel…
Tag: Pope Francis
In wake of sex abuse report, Catholic priests relieved God not actually real
PHILADELPHIA — Following a Pennsylvania grand jury report which detailed decades of sexual abuses by priests and cover-ups by bishops, the world’s Catholic priests are expressing relief tha…
Pope denounces inhumane death penalty in favour of endless demonic torture
VATICAN CITY – Changing the Catholic Church’s position on capital punishment, Pope Francis has denounced the death penalty as inhumane and unacceptable in all cases, recommending instead ev…
Declining attendance leads Catholic Church to perform ‘ambush baptisms’
VATICAN CITY – In an effort to combat plummeting Catholic numbers, Pope Francis has okayed a program of ‘ambush baptisms’ to boost the church’s membership. “Let’s face it, between Vatican I…
Vatican City Olympic team stripped of medals after testing positive for performance-enhancing God
PYEONGCHANG – The Papal Olympic team is mired in controversy after a recent IOC test revealed the entire team has been using banned celestial beings during the 2018 Pyeongchang games. “When…
Pope Francis urges journalists to search for truth, but not like in that “Spotlight” movie
THE HOLY SEE — In his annual address, Pope Francis denounced “fake news” and urged journalists to search for the truth, then clarified, “but not like in that Spotlight movie.” The Pope was …
Pope Francis makes Taco Bell a sin after spending all morning in bathroom
VATICAN CITY- Officially recognized by the Catholic church as of this morning; the sale, consumption, or creation of any Taco Bell products will now be considered a mortal sin on par with murder …
Christ sees shadow, predicts 6 more weeks of Easter
JERUSALEM – After spending three days sheltered in his underground tomb, Jesus Christ, Our Lord in Heaven, saw His shadow, which means six more weeks of Easter. “Here he comes, here he come…
Pope remains champion at annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating contest
VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year in a row at the annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating …
After reading The Catcher in the Rye, Pope uses speech to rail against “phonies”
THE HOLY SEE – Following the completion of a recent read-through of acclaimed coming of age novel The Catcher in the Rye, Pope Francis used a private Mass sermon to criticize people he saw as “ph…