Miramichi, NB – Navigating adulthood can be challenging, but for 28-year-old Shawn Walker, life in his early twenties couldn’t be better. “I wasn’t sure about this new life stage at first,” said …
Tag: life
Kid taken out of school early shocked by mundanity of adult world
CORNWALL, ON – Jacob Ryland, 4th grader at Rose Elementary, got the best news of his life at 1:48PM last Wednesday when he was asked to pack up his things and go to the office to meet his m…
Stardust pissed it’s now you
EARTH – After spending 13 billions years drifting across interstellar space, a speck of stardust is pissed that it’s now you – a nobody in the overall grand scheme of the universe. Be…
Running every day is the secret to long life, claim people being chased by lions
Abbotsford, BC – What’s the secret to a long and healthy life? According to those currently being hunted by hungry lions, the trick is running as fast as you possibly can. “Just don’t stop runnin…
Good night’s sleep allows woman to be more present in her shitty life
HAMILTON, ON – The secret to being fully present in your miserable existence? Local life coach, June Funda, says it’s all about prioritizing a good night’s sleep. “It’s hard to focus on how ever…
Local legend Can’t Count Johnson dies at the age of 375
MONCTON – Can’t Count Johnson has passed on at the ripe old self-reported age of 375. Possibly the oldest man ever to live, Johnson got the nickname ‘Can’t Count’ due to his inability to d…
Goldfish purchased to teach classroom about mortality no longer really necessary
Whitby, ON – The goldfish that elementary school teacher Lenore Kerdwin acquired in order to acclimatize her students to loss has become irrelevant in light of recent events. “I thoug…
NASA’s Curiosity rover finds evidence of nightlife on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC – NASA has announced that the Curiosity rover has recently discovered compelling evidence for the existence of nightlife on Mars, including but not limited to clubs, bars, an…
Paying it back: When this paramedic saves someone’s life, he visits them months later to collect on his life-debt
There are few jobs as challenging as being an emergency medical technician. Low pay, long hours, dangerous situations; it takes a certain dedication to help people like that. And for one man in p…
Popular girl you thought would peak in high school reportedly still killin’ it
CASTOR, AB – Reports early this afternoon have indicated that the popular, intelligent, and beloved girl you thought would reach her social peak in high school is still absolutely killing i…
