TRENTON, ON – After buying an air fryer over a year ago, Bobby and Muriel Fuller regret this latest appliance purchase has failed to save their marriage after a string of attempts with oth…
Tag: food
Study finds sugar linked to having zest for life
OTTAWA – Health Canada released a years long comprehensive study linking sugar with having a zest for life. This unprecedented report revealed the group who got to eat something sweet with …
Opinion: I’m actually protesting at this hospital because the cafeteria options are bad
Sick Kids, Toronto – It appears there’s been a misunderstanding. I am not some jerk who is protesting at this hospital because I don’t want to be vaccinated. I am protesting at this hospita…
Opinion: I am so much better than everyone in this Taco Bell
By: Bryler Chadwick Why is it that every time I eat at Taco Bell, I’m surrounded by people who eat at Taco Bell?! Like, what kind of people eat this crap? I’m a normal, respectable guy who works …
Half-eaten chip bag retrieved after 8 minutes in cupboard
TORONTO – Reports found that yesterday local copywriter Gavin Issac retrieved his half-eaten family-sized bag of all-dressed potato chips exactly eight minutes and sixteen seconds after pu…
Real-life Garfield? This cat ate a lasagna and died
REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved t…
Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food
TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be ad…
Local woman tired of the 3 shitty little meals she knows how to make
GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was …
Beans lose classification as Magical Fruit
OTTAWA – In a controversial decision, the Canadian Plants Council has reclassified beans, from Magical Fruit to common legume. “We all know the saying,” said Monica Lee, the President of th…
