OTTAWA – A smug man from Canada wasted no time this morning chastising Americans for re-electing terrifying liar and felon Donald Trump, despite the fact that he plans to vote for terrifyin…
Tag: Featured Post
World holds its breath as North Carolina elects new agriculture commissioner
RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of t…
Torontonians offer to let Doug Ford wear “Mayor” sash if he just leaves them alone
TORONTO – With Queen’s Park ordering the removal of the city’s bike lane infrastructure, an exasperated Toronto has offered to start calling Ontario Premier Doug Ford “Mayor”, thus satiating his …
Hobgoblin hob-nobs with non-hobgoblin goblins
NETHERWORLD – Noted hobgoblin-about-town Robin Redpath was spotted far from his regular domestic haunts cavorting with a retinue of goblins, scandalizing those who believe the two species s…
Justin Trudeau announces another thing for Poilievre to cancel next year
OTTAWA – Yesterday Justin Trudeau made a bold commitment, announcing billions of dollars in funding for a massive government program to make Canadians lives better in some way, which Pierre…
Fall festival just summer festival with scarecrow
AIRDRIE – Airdrie’s annual Harvest Festival is clearly just the town’s annual Summer Carnival with some scarecrows and hay bales thrown in, according to underwhelmed sources. “Look, they crossed …
The Beaverton Is Dying. Unless You Save It
Beloved Readers, When we started The Beaverton we were just a bunch of smartasses trying to make each other laugh during our weekly meeting on the second floor of a disgusting pub behind Honest E…
Coworker putting up Christmas decorations justifiably murdered
TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations. “She’d been starting earlier every year,” s…
Lame-ass ghost turns out to be metaphor for grief instead of a cool chain-rattling guy
OTTAWA – Allison Carver, who has recently experienced a series of paranormal events in her home, has told reporters that she was disappointed to discover she’s undergoing a boring, metaphorical h…
BC Conservative leader clarifies that every batshit thing he’s ever said was a misunderstanding unless you agree with it
VICTORIA – As the provincial election draws to a close, Conservative Party of B.C. leader John Rustad is making a last push to appeal to voters by denying everything he’s ever said that the…