TORONTO – Hardcore soccer fan Ethan Weir will be protesting the 2022 World Cup by shaking his head and tsk-ing while he watches every minute of the tournament. “Between the horrific abuse that m…
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“No one said we’d be good this year” claims Sens fan who spent all summer saying team would be good this year
OTTAWA – Tired of being mocked for the team’s poor performance, Ottawa Senators fan David Martinson is reminding everyone that the team was expected to struggle, despite spending the …
Blue Bombers hoping to win third straight Grey Cup and trade them in for one Super Bowl
REGINA — The Winnipeg Blue Bombers are attempting to claim their third straight Grey Cup, a generational feat that will allow them to redeem their hard-fought prizes for a single Super Bowl. “It…
Nutritionists worried people aren’t getting enough billionaires in their diet
WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. National Institute of Health has issued a statement outlining their concerns that, despite a growing public appetite to devour the rich, people still aren’t consum…
French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts
ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squee…
Trudeau assures China that condescending manner used only for Canadian voters
BALI – Following Chinese claims that Justin Trudeau was acting in a “condescending manner” toward Xi Jinping, the Canadian prime minister has assured Chinese officials he is only condescend…
New bird added to endangered species list
Experts agree this species will almost certainly become extinct due to human activity, in this case the activity of a single human.…
Scientists declare 2 degree warming target was possible until you left bathroom lights on last night
GENEVA – A consortium of environmental scientists released a declaration that humanity’s accelerating march toward climate catastrophe had previously been avoidable before you left the ligh…
“You should totally have kids!” says friend who should not have had kids
Windsor, ON – Jacob Framer, a man who should never in a million years be allowed to care for young children, has recently been heard encouraging various friends and family members to procre…
Elon Musk close to fulfilling conditions of eccentric uncle’s will to spend 45 B$ without giving it away
SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk is on the verge of completing the stipulations of his uncle’s will wherein he must spend 45 B$ without giving it away. By doing so before the end of the year, Elon Musk …
