OTTAWA – The new Liberal budget was officially released yesterday, with the government unveiling a number of plans involving new programs and spending, including $10 bajillion dollars for w…
Tag: Featured Post
10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to …
Passion play using distractingly hot Christ
OTTAWA – The passion play produced by Ottawa’s St. Francis Xavier Church has drawn attention and controversy this year by crucifying a total stud, according to aroused sources. “Dang, I see our L…
Newly discovered cave paintings indicate early humans were stick men
BHOPAL, INDIA — A cache of paintings found in the Bhimbetka caves in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh is being touted as a paradigm-shifting discovery, positing that proto-humans were actually …
In honour of Mulroney, national funeral to be privatized
MONTREAL – In a show of respect to one of Brian Mulroney’s most cherished governing principles as prime minister, his funeral will be privatized. During his nine years as prime minister, Br…
Mediaeval battering-ram operator reincarnated as guy on bus with backpack
VANCOUVER — Local barista Rob McNair smashed thirty-eight fellow transit riders with his backpack earlier today while acting on unconscious instincts from his previous incarnation as a soldier in…
Alberta to opt out of dental care, pharmacare, renewable energy, the wheel
EDMONTON – The Alberta government has announced its intention to opt out of Ottawa’s proposed public pharmacare program, curtail renewable energy projects, and “ditch the elitist wheel in favour …
What top NHL trade targets will cost the Leafs versus what they will cost every other team
The NHL trade deadline is fast approaching. And Beaverton sports has got you covered with the top available players, broken down by what they will cost 31 of the league’s teams, and then ho…
Collapsing Vice Media assures devastated journalists that upper level management will be fine
BROOKLYN, N.Y. – Vice Media began informing journalists today that they’ve been laid off as the struggling company pivots away from producing news in favour of a business model in which inv…
Auston Matthews vows to work on his “pass to a guy who passes to a guy who scores” skills so he can finally deserve MVP
LAS VEGAS – Fresh off scoring 51 goals in 54 games Leafs centre Auston Matthews has announced that he has heard the criticism and will immediately devote his time and effort to developing h…
