TORONTO – The Maple Leafs have fired head coach Sheldon Keefe after another first round exit, beginning a search for a new shmuck to blame the franchise’s larger problems on. “While we appreciate…
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Canadian universities defend banning pro-Palestinian encampments: “We want our students to study genocide, not actually do anything about it”
OTTAWA – As university students from Montreal, Toronto, and Ottawa begin protesting the genocide in Palestine with demonstrations and encampments, officials from their schools have released…
Leafs assure devastated fans that this is them trying their best
TORONTO – After delivering an uninspired effort in Game 4 that saw them fall behind 3-1 in their first round series against the Boston Bruins, the Toronto Maple Leafs took time to promise t…
Canucks fans denied viewing parties vow to riot and destroy property from the comfort of their homes
VANCOUVER – No official outdoor Canucks viewing parties will be held in Vancouver during the NHL playoffs, prompting angry fans to make due by drunkenly smashing their own possessions. “I have fo…
Everything freedom loving Conservatives have banned Canadians from doing in recent years
Pierre Poilievre and the Conservatives plan to make Canada the freest country in the world if (ok once) they get into power. In unrelated news here is a list of everything Conservatives currently…
American 18-year-olds stoked to vote in last presidential election
FRESNO, CA – Across the United States young people who will turn eighteen by November 5 are expressing their excitement at being able to vote in the last presidential election of their life…
Wealthy Canadians demand the Liberals also raise taxes on the capital gains of the poor
OTTAWA – After learning the new federal budget will increase the amount of tax paid by people who make more than $250,000 in capital gains in a year, Canada’s richest citizens are demanding…
Liberal budget promises 10 bajillion dollars to whatever thing you’re into
OTTAWA – The new Liberal budget was officially released yesterday, with the government unveiling a number of plans involving new programs and spending, including $10 bajillion dollars for w…
10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to …
Passion play using distractingly hot Christ
OTTAWA – The passion play produced by Ottawa’s St. Francis Xavier Church has drawn attention and controversy this year by crucifying a total stud, according to aroused sources. “Dang, I see our L…