CALGARY – Despite her best efforts at self-improvement and professional development during the COVID-19 pandemic, it looks like, somehow, the peak of Florence Vega’s year will be her Monday…
Tag: covid-19
Trudeau ready to trigger election if cafeteria doesn’t have those delicious mozza sticks
OTTAWA – While waiting in line at the Parliamentary cafeteria, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he’s willing to go to the polls if he doesn’t get his hands on some gooey mozza sticks with…
Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities
TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies. As …
Health Canada announces doctors no longer allowed to prescribe ‘Good Lovin’
OTTAWA – Health Canada has put an end to the common practice by family doctors of prescribing ‘good lovin’ as a cure for a number of illnesses, particularly those accompanied by a fever. He…
Digital Thanksgiving: Shortcuts to muting the anti-mask rants of your relatives
Are you tired of hearing about your uncle’s ‘Plandemic’ opinions or how governments are infringing on your aunt’s right to infect other people at the grocery store? Fortunately, digital Thanksgiv…
Trump holds another White House event to infect everyone he missed at last one
WASHINGTON – The White House has announced that President Donald Trump will be hosting an event on the South Lawn on Saturday, exactly two weeks after a dozen people were infected at Amy Ba…
Local man schedules his authoritarianism anxiety around his pandemic anxiety
RED DEER, MB – Local man Marcus Strohn has reported creating an efficient schedule that balances his anxiety over the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic with his anxiety over the creeping global m…
Premier Ford still not convinced flames shooting from neighbour’s house is sufficient evidence to call fire department
TORONTO – Despite heavy smoke and his neighbour screaming “my house is on fire,” Ontario Premier Doug Ford is not ready to call in the fire department. With flames shooting out of the attic…
Bankrupt Trump kicked out of Walter Reed after health insurance declined
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has been kicked out of the Walter Reed Medical Centre after his Presidential Health Insurance Plan was denied. “Sir, you can not pay for this assessme…
Ford encourages families to spend Thanksgiving together by getting jobs at same indoor restaurant
QUEEN’S PARK – As the Province introduces new restrictions on social contact in response to COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford has assured families they can absolutely still spend Thanksgiving tog…