Man typecast as serial killer would literally kill for new role
TORONTO – James Holden Garrison, a moderately successful dramatic actor, has been cast in 18 television guest spots–always playing either the serial killer, or the guy everyone thinks…
Marineland CEO won’t get puppy until he proves he can take care of fish
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Ontario’s Humane Society announced yesterday they were denying Marineland C.E.O., John Holer’s application to adopt a 2-month-old Dalmatian puppy he had planned on namin…
PMO staff ‘extremely worried’ after Stephen Harper shows up to work with smile
OTTAWA – Anonymous staff in the Prime Minister’s Office report they have an overwhelming sense of dread that something horrible is about to happen – though what, they do not know R…
TTC driver blames ‘shitty fucking TTC’ for being late to work
TORONTO – Longtime TTC streetcar driver Morris Stollery was late to start his shift on Wednesday, a fact he blamed on Toronto’s poor public transportation system. “The transit s…
Bob Dylan concerts to feature hologram of Bob Dylan that actually gives a shit
LOS ANGELES, CA – Inspired by the famous holographic projections of deceased artists like 2Pac Shakur and Biggie Smalls, Columbia Records executives have announced an upcoming Bob Dylan con…
French reinforcements arrive in Quebec 253 years late
QUEBEC CITY – After spending 92,345 days at sea, French Marines finally arrived to reinforce the French garrison in Quebec City. The 250 men of the Troupes de la Marine swiftly scaled the cliffs …
US men’s basketball team win gold over [placeholder]
LONDON – On [date TBA] the United States basketball “dream team” defeated the [placeholder] team by a score of [placeholder] to 42. Kobe Bryant lead the scoring barrage with an unprecedente…
Marionettes and puppets forced to breed Muppets on Jim Henson family estate
LOS ANGELES, CA – Following a police raid yesterday, Federal authorities announced at a press conference that they are investigating long suspected criminal sexual activities at the late Ji…
