Via Rail announces new slightly faster than slow train between Toronto and Montreal
MONTREAL – In response to growing competition from airplanes, buses, automobiles and walking, Via Rail unveiled its new mediocre-speed train for the Toronto-Montreal corridor on Monday. “Th…
TIFF Opening Night Gala to feature film by Atom Egoyan, probably
With TIFF fast approaching, programmers for the world’s second largest film festival are around 80% sure opening gala will feature Atom Egoyan’s next masterpiece. “I don’t think Sarah [Polley] or…
Schoolboy prepares for return to school by making up name of girl he kissed at camp
Thetford Mines, PQ – This has been a big summer for Timmy Nolan, who kissed a girl for the first time, or so he plans on telling his friends. Nolan, 10, bet his friends that this would be t…
Justin Trudeau admits to trying wine
OTTAWA – Liberal leader Justin Trudeau has continued coming-out to the public regarding his recreational substance use, admitting today that he has tried wine at least once since becoming a…
Local woman packs running shoes to give illusion of exercise during vacation
London, ON – In preparation for her week long trip to Paris, a woman has packed her New Balance runners to give her the fantasy that she will actually be doing exercise during her trip. “I …
Canada only finds Arctic interesting, attractive when someone else wants it
In light of the American and Russian advances towards the Arctic, Canada has suddenly realized how much the Arctic means to it. With thinning of sea ice, the leaner and sexier version of the Cana…
Harper responds to Trudeau’s marijuana use by admitting he once didn’t use bike helmet since becoming PM
OTTAWA – After Justin Trudeau admitted to smoking pot while he was an MP, Prime Minister Stephen Harper confessed today that he once failed to take proper safety measures while riding his b…
Drug-fueled former athlete defeats Hulk Hogan in arm-wrestling match
TORONTO – As part of the annual pop culture spectacle Fan Expo Canada, Rob ‘The Mayor’ Ford today defeated former WWE wrestler Hulk Hogan in an arm-wrestling bout. Despite today’s defeat, a…
Big 3 Canadian telecoms to Verizon: ‘Only Canadian companies can gouge Canadians’
TORONTO – With the threat of a US corporate giant entering the Canadian telecommunications market, Telus, Rogers and Bell stated that only Canadian enterprises have the right to fleece Canadians.…
