Communist baby-eater Drake tired of media misconstruing his opinions
LOS ANGELES – Communist and notorious eater of human babies Drake, made headlines today when he announced over Twitter his decision to no longer do interviews due to the misinterpretation o…
Record winter leaves old people unable to boast about winters when they were young
CANADA – The coldest winter in more than two decades has left Canada’s elderly scrounging for ways to make themselves seem hardier than today’s youth.weather “When I was a boy, the winters …
Flaherty aide spends three days editing swear words out of 2014 budget
OTTAWA – To prepare the 2014 budget for its unveiling, sources report that Flaherty’s top aide, Luisa McManus, worked round the clock to remove all obscenities from the document. “How much …
Russian Olympic security apologizes in advance for Sidney Crosby’s concussion
SOCHI, RUSSIA – Sources inside the Russian security ministry are sending their deepest apologies to the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey team for the upcoming concussion soon-to-be sustained b…
Chrysler unveils new car that runs entirely on government subsidies
WINDSOR – In an effort to break ground in the automotive industry, Chrysler unveiled a new model of sedan built in Canada that runs entirely on government funding. The new design called The…
Report: It way too late to get something going for Valentine’s Day
MONTREAL – Despite your best efforts to remain positive, a report released this morning by McGill University has affirmed that it’s already way too late to get something going for Valentine…
Rob Ford Neknominates Ontario Premier in Internet drinking game
TORONTO – Toronto Mayor Rob Ford released a video on the new ‘Ford Nation’ YouTube channel today in which he participates in the new Internet drinking phenomenon ‘Neknomination’ and challen…
Georges St-Pierre enjoying the best goddamn cup of coffee in his life
MONTREAL – Following his retirement, former UFC champion Georges St-Pierre was seen gently cupping the best god damn cup of coffee that he’s ever had in his whole life at a local brun…
Sun News reveals CBC’s French pronunciation scandal they just invented
TORONTO – Journalists at Sun News have revealed a shocking, fabricated story about how CBC journalists pronounce French-Canadian Olympic athletes’ last names in French despite the fact that…
Judging scandal gives tough guy excuse to talk about Olympic ice dancing
Sudbury, ON – Local bartender and former minor league hockey enforcer Jake Schmidt has been outraged by the alleged judge fixing in Sochi figure skating, in which the Russians have supposed…
