Iqaluit hoping massive dump fire will alert rest of nation to perpetual, massive dump fire

IQALUIT — As of earlier today, local officials were hoping that the city’s massive dump fire, which has been raging for more than six weeks now, will act as a distress signal alerting the federal…

Paul Bernardo’s fiancée: He’s not that creepy by online dating standards

LONDON, ON – Convicted serial killer Paul Bernardo’s fiancée confirmed today that he was the least creepy man she had met online. “Since he can only access the prison computer for an hour a…

Quebec commends public for lackluster Canada Day celebrations

MONTREAL – The Quebec government is thanking its citizens for the uninspiring Canada Day celebrations that occurred throughout the province earlier this week. “I want to take a moment…

Globe and Mail fence actually just to keep Margaret Wente out

TORONTO – After a chain-link fence was spotted under construction outside their headquarters, The Globe and Mail issued a statement clarifying that the fence was merely the latest tactic th…

TransCanada reaches out to teens with new Keystone bitumen halfpipe line

ALBERTA – In an attempt to win over the youthful protest groups throughout Canada and the USA, today the TransCanada Corporation announced a new massive halfpipe line and accompanying skate…

Eugenie Bouchard only one win away from not having to talk about whom she’d like to date

LONDON – On the heels of her decisive victory in Thursday’s Wimbledon semifinals, Canadian tennis star Eugenie Bouchard now finds herself only one win away from never having to answer questions a…

Ottawa Police confirm Claude Giroux has softest hands in the NHL

OTTAWA – Constable Ian Sturgess of the Ottawa Police Department confirmed today that hockey star Claude Giroux does indeed have the softest hands in the NHL, after the Philadelphia Flyers center …

Leafs accidentally sign infielder Michael Diaz during free agent frenzy

TORONTO – Following a flurry of free agent signings, the Toronto Maple Leafs experienced another setback after the team mistakenly signed a deal with infielder Michael Diaz for the next sev…

Local woman still watching True Blood

TORONTO – Despite giving several vague answers on the topic in recent weeks, local woman Anna Trawley, 26, confirmed yesterday that she is “yeah…still probably going to watch the last season of T…

Climate change denier drowns in flash flood

DELORAINE, MB – After a sudden torrential downpour that has inundated his community, a local climate change denier has been swept away by rushing waters and is presumed drowned. “It&#…